The Elevator (Short Story)

This is a short story I wrote for a high school writing class. The assignment was to describe an emotion in less than 200 words; and being the dark, brooding person I am, I chose hatred. I received the highest possible grade/score in the class for it, so needless to say I've pretty proud of it. The story is a take off a scene from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion between Asuka and Rei, from Asuka's point of view. Some of the wording is inspired by Radiohead songs ('Karma Police' and 'Kid A' for those interested). Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

I walked in, leaning my back against the wall; her back to me. The elevator door closed to my side, and started its ascent. I was so angry, so helpless. I hated everything, I hated myself, I hated her. She didn’t look at me, and I tried to do the same, but I hated her, I couldn’t stop. She started talking, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t want to listen, I hated her. She didn’t turn around, only moved her head, to see me in the corner of her eye. She was a doll, nothing but a toy. I hated her. Her skin was like porcelain, and her hair was of fabric. As I stared at her, I could almost see the strings tied around her limbs, and when she spoke, I wondered where her ventriloquist was hiding. I hated her. I hated everything. I hated breathing the air she breathed, and using the elevator she used. I hated everything, I hated my mama, I hated myself. But I hated her most. She stopped talking, and I couldn’t take her anymore. I walked over to her, raising my hand. SLAP!! For a minute there, I saw her face crack, and I looked into her marble eyes. I saw nothing, only my own hatred.

Wow, Great stuff. I bet it would have been better if I had watched Neon Genesis Evangelion, but it was still great by itself.

I love how every time I read "I hated her", it felt like her voice was getting louder. The way you wrote it made it seem that way, which was spectacular. I say you deserved the highest possible grade in the class. Good work.

Thank you AR, I appreciate your enjoyment. I tried to use the "I hated her" almost as a period, putting it between sentences to keep having the reader come back to it; ingraining it in their heads. In another scene she actually does just what you said, whispering her hatred more and more until she's screaming and throwing toiletries off her bathroom counter. To say the least her character gave me a lot of material to draw upon.

As for watching Evangelion, I'd definitely recommend it. It's personally my favorite anime, and pretty much a standard for excellent story and character development. Watch it subbed though; the dubbing is terrible.

I remember this piece. It is certainly a great short story. Its brevity certainly intensifies the emotion. I was sort of surprised at the quality when I first read it. Not to say I expected you to be a bad writer but it seems to be written by someone more experienced. The surprise is a testament to the story and not an assumption of low quality to begin with for sure. I hope to see more stuff from you Homura-Chan.

Thank you Crow, I completely agree with your comment. This is by far my most mature, complete work of writing. Sadly, I never continued writing after the class, so as well as being my best, The Elevator is also my last work. But considering how much everyone has loved it, it has encouraged me to try to pick up writing again and test my hand at some other stories. Although I'm not expecting anything as amazing as this one.

I think the different forms of art show important parts of a person that can only be seen through that medium. It is almost as if it is a way to discover that portion yourself as you write. I really do hope to see more writing from you because I will get a chance to see into your brain and get to know you even better. I'll try to write a bit to so you can have a similar experience. I do have a horrible time starting to write but once I get going it is hard to stop.